It’s Half Term in Cumbria. Ahhhhhhhhhh, beauty. This means daytime telly. Top Gear on ‘Dave’, Jeremy Kyle being Jeremy Kyle (i.e. a self-righteous prick) and Mythbusters.
‘Mythbusters’ is my inspiration as I sit here on the couch.
Couch.
What a handy segue into today’s topic for cerebral deliberation.
Couch to 5k:
How ON EARTH do I run 5k?
This magical distance.
Do not fear.
I have the answer for you.
“But I’m chronically obese due to an, as yet, undiagnosed medical condition” I hear you cry.
DO. NOT. FEAR.
A quick ‘Google’ search for ‘Runner’s World Couch to 5k training program’ reveals ALL you could ever wish to know. A sample looks like this…(it’s genuine by the way!!)
“Week One:
Mon – Rest
Tues – Run 1 min, walk 1 min. Repeat 10 times.
Wed – Rest
Thur – Run 2 mins, walk 4 mins. Repeat 5 times.
Fri – Rest
Sat – Rest
Sun – Run 2 mins, walk 4 mins. Repeat 5 times.”
So, as you can see, you’ve got all your ‘classic’ training ingredients there. PLENTY of rest; you get STRONGER on your rest days. A Sunday long run. A speed-endurance session creeping in there and a good tempo session on the Thursday.
Don’t fancy taking advice from such wizened sages as those fine, fine folk at the world’s premier running magazine?
I reckon I could help you. No need to be a slave to the 6-week plan. I can sort you in a session. Yup, a single session.
Switch off that telly. The one who’s only direct competition for width is your fat ass. Stand up. Take your time, don’t pass out with the effort and undo all that hard work.
You up?
Find your front door. Don’t be alarmed at a glaring light in your face when you manage to wrestle it open. It’s called “daylight”. You’ll probably get an experience of another phenomenon called “fresh air” too. It’s ok to feel a bit overwhelmed. Resist the urge to sit back down though. You can do this!!
Step outside and walk.
Just focus on that. Walking. Walk for 2.51km (Step 1). Got there?
Turn around.
Retrace your steps and repeat ‘Step 1’.
If you have managed to stave off disorientation (trust me, I know all about this, being a member of Keswick AC and all), then you should find yourself at, what at first could appear an unfamiliar sight, your own front door. Looks different seen from the ‘outside’ huh??
Open the door and sink into that blessed couch of yours. You’re going to want to be sat down for this! Manipulate your folds and get comfy.
Check your watch.
Yup.
5.02km.
YOU DID IT!!
Now that you’ve mastered that mythical beast, it’s time to turn your attention to the next step-up.
An ULTRAMARATHON.
Gulp.
How to run your first ultramarathon:
Don’t worry. This one’s even easier. It’s just a ‘couch to 5k’ ten times in a row.
Stick a comment in the box below (be nice) with your exact location and I’ll send you another location 26.3 miles away. Get there under your own steam.
Et voila.
You sir/madam are an ULTRARUNNER.
Just take a moment to let that sink in.
An ‘ULTRARUNNER’.
Now.
Give me $500.
As The Streets said “A grand don’t come for free”.
Okay, okay, I get it. Who am I to judge other people? Who am I to ‘belittle’ other folk’s goals?
I’m no-one. Nobody.
I’m belittling little minds. That’s all. The point behind this diatribe is this…
Stop seeking ‘help’ from morons. The only person who can help you, is YOU. There are no excuses. There are no short-cuts. There is only one way. Work. It isn’t easy. It is worth it.
If you want to run a 5k. Run a 5k. No-one is stopping you.
If you want to run an ultramarathon. Run an ultramarathon. No-one is stopping you.
Ignore ANYONE who offers advice to you that includes the following key words or phrases…
“Optimise”.
“…glutes…firing…”
“Transcend”.
Those people are not after your success. They’re after your money.
